I had my heart broken today. I know: again you ask? I do wish it would stop, but the thing is, Beloved has come to be both glue and lighter fluid to me. You talk crazy, you say. But hear me out.

You are born with a perfectly functioning heart. It is whole. It is pure. For a short while, you love unconditionally and believe that everything loves you back the same way. What changes when you grow up is that while there may still be times when you love someone unconditionally (no matter how much it hurts), your heart is heavy and dirty from knowing that not everyone will love you back. Sometimes (often) not even the one you’ve given yourself to. So while that person may be the only one that can clean out those chambers and glue the broken pieces of your heart back together again, they are also the one that most effectively unravels it all over again.

He said something…it is almost always in what he says. Not because it is hateful or meant to cause harm, but because he does not know. You said early on that he could not possibly be that stupid, Mother, but he is. I am not beyond realizing his faults. Sometimes I wish he would just up and leave.

I’m sorry. I should not complain like this. How are you and the little ones? I shall write more once I reach new port.

I hate writing like this. Fuck this stupid shit. I hate him, and he doesn’t even see that. Glue and lighter fluid? He’s a fucking neutron bomb. I’m never going to get over this.

Love,
Your son